Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Valentine Card Addressed to the Human Rights Commissions

      I see that the balrog which is the Canadian Human Rights Commission  is rumbling  again deep within the bowels of our government bureaucracy. What perfect timing! Valentine's Day is almost here, and as an organization that is committed to eradicating hate, the CHRC has surely planned its latest head-rearing to fall near  this day meant for lovers. Maybe they have taken to heart this nugget from Rex Murphy : "Not every article in every magazine or newspaper is meant to be a Valentine card addressed to every reader's self esteem," and they intend to do something about it.

      After thirty-odd years of HRCs toiling away to make us all be nicer to each other, I just cannot understand why everything you read, hear and see is not  like a candy heart from your sweetie. Rather than focusing solely on stamping out hatred,  I suggest the HRCs also mount a proactive campaign to foster a great, big bumper crop of Canadian love. We could all use more warm fuzzies, good vibes and happy feelings in our interactions with other human beings, don't you think? Perhaps they could create an entirely new government body and call it the "Warm Tingly Fuzzies Commission".  It would be an excellent follow up/companion bureaucracy to the HRCs. After hatred and unpopular opinions are forever rooted out of human minds and hearts, (and who better than members of a plodding bureaucracy to complete that task?) the WTFC could step up to help in those awkward moments when we can't quite express our super niceness. You'd just have to shake your head three times, say, "WTF...?" and they'd be there. Kind of like a verbal Bat Signal.  After all, who hasn't been lost for words, especially when faced with someone who might take offence at yours?

    Just imagine that you have hurt someone with something you wrote. You may not know the person or even have a clue exactly what the harmful words were, but you know that warm fuzziness levels between you and your offended one are dangerously low, because your HRC has told you so! What is your next step? You've already done everything the HRC asked. You've wiped your blog off the internet or used your final newspaper column to recant. You've ceased communicating about the banned subject in private emails and you've sent off a check wrapped in a forced apology. You may even have given up your job or small business to show how full of love you are. Yet for some reason, you still don't feel any better. You're standing there like a non-hate-struck teenager, casting shy glances at the person who has drained away the last three, five or ten years of your life and wondering how you can make it up to him. That's where the WTFC gives you the right words, and you start singing their tune. You don't have to be Judy Garland. Just sing it with feeling....

They Made Me Love You

Dear HRC Plaintiff, I am singing this to you
And I hope that to my tone you won't object;
My heart beats like a hammer
Please don't throw me in the slammer
From now on all my thoughts will be correct.
I guess I'm just another hatemonger
From now on I'll be more circumspect.

They made me love you!
I didn't want to do it; HRC forced me to it,
They made me love you,
And all the time you knew it, you complained so that they'd do it.

My opinions, dear, made you feel quite pained,
The HRC refuted them: "Shut up," they have explained.
They made me sigh 'cause
I didn't want to tell you,
(Turns out they can compel you)
I think four grand, from me to you, ought to do, free speech eschew, 'deed I do!
I must tell you what I'm thinking
The very mention of your name sends me o'er eggshells slinking!
You know they made me love you!

I don't care what happens,
Let the whole world end, 
I'll never write or say or think something that might offend
'Cause you know they made me love you!

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!



  1. Excellent.

    You've got to do a UTube singing this, with a love link to Jennie the Lyncher.

  2. Thanks, Jim R. Unfortunately, Mrs. Beazly and I cannot sing. Steyn (or perhaps Jessica, who apparently does a mean Judy Garland), on the other hand, is welcome to record this on his next album. (Waiting patiently by phone for call from Mr. Steyn's agent.)