Saturday, January 15, 2011

Ban 'em All!

They tried to ban Mark Steyn. They're partly banning Mark Twain. They've already banned Mark Knopfler
Bad time to be a creative guy named "Mark"! (Even if it's a pseudonym.) Look out, Mark Shea!  


They say there's a book with a certain bad word that we shouldn't read anymore
Heavily laden, a time-expired slur, which all decent persons abhor-
There's many a comic who uses this word, how come they're allowed to go on?
It makes no commotion - what's with this odd notion? How come they don't ban 'em all?

Ban 'em all, ban 'em all, American, Briton or Gaul,
Ban all the poets, the rappers, songwriters,
Ban all the authors, 'cause they're mostly blighters,
We'll say goodbye to them all, to their dark, grotty garrets they'll crawl,
They'll get no permission for verbal emission, so shut 'em up, lads, ban 'em all!

They say if you work hard you'll get better pay - we've heard all that before
Clean up your sentences, polish your prose, rework that verse just once more.
There's many a songwriter's taken great care - his hook line and lyrics we'll maul
'Cause now it's verboten to sing what he's wroten, so ban all his songs, ban 'em all!

Ban 'em all, ban 'em all, Flannery, Twain and St. Paul,
I'll grant you there are no bad words in Ephesians,
But they have, we're certain, some very good reasons
For saying good-bye to them all, world lit'rature we'll overhaul,
You'll get no Colossians 'twixt any two oceans, so cheer up, my lads, ban 'em all!

Now they say that the censors are very nice chaps, oh, no truer tale could you tell!
Ask them for leave to speak just as you please, you'll be shown to a nice padded cell.
There's many an author has blighted his life through writing rude words on the wall
He'll get no promotion this side of the ocean when we've banned him once and for all!

Ban 'em all, ban 'em all, here's a guide to make each judgement call:
If your tone is all wrong or your meaning's abstruse,
If you're not gay enough for the phrases you use,
We'll be saying' goodbye to you all, down the memory hole you will fall,
Harper Lee, Alex Haley, the list will grow daily - but they'll stop sometime, after all -

Nobody would ban any words that we use - so cheer up, my lads! Ban them all!


  1. Bloody Brilliant. (You can still say "bloody", can't you, or is that possibly, perhaps, maybe likely to incite violence?)

  2. Mrs. Beazly, did you write that? The world needs to hear you ... what can we do?

  3. Yes, Mrs. Beazly wrote that. And there's a lot more where that came from. What CAN we do? Do you have any ideas, DRJ? Maybe Mark Steyn can record it on his next CD.

  4. I had so much fun writing this parody that I was glad, for the first time in my life, that Mr. Beazly inherited a love of George Formby from his English granny. Really, when it comes to Canada's various censors, the comedy just about writes itself, black though it may be.

    I don't think there's anything we can do, Mrs. P. We're already doing it. When it comes to our writing, on blog and off, we must (to borrow a phrase from the greatest generation) keep on truckin', regardless of whether or not it's going to make us rich and famous. I don't even want to be famous. I'll just settle for rich.

  5. Oh, and thanks for your compliments, Mrs. P. and DRJ. I'm glad you enjoyed the ditty.