Our institutions of higher learning keep getting wackier.

 This just in....

STUDENT DEPLORES TWO-TIERED ACCESS TO MARK STEYN

OTTAWA - Self-described "leading hatemonger" Mark Steyn is slated to embark upon a rare Canadian speaking tour, and Ottawa student Baird Lutelisp is not impressed. The 37-year-old Cultural and Gender Conflict in Canadian Film Studies major is outraged by what he calls "two-tiered access" to the controversial author. 

"If you're a student in London or Calgary, you can infiltrate and disrupt the event without it costing you a dime," Mr. Lutelisp says from his parents' home in west Ottawa. "Yet in this city you'll have to fork over $250 in order to shout your slogans at those who most need to hear them. Do you know how many weeks my mom would have to advance my beer allowance to pay for that?"

Mr. Lutelisp, who also acts as a Campus Organizer, is especially upset by the timing and location of the event. "Even if our principled stand for the freedom to choose what other people hear could outdraw the Engineering Halloween kegger, the fact that Steyn is speaking on so-called 'private property' is problematic," Lutelisp explains. "I need 60% of my mob physically on campus, or I'm not getting credit for those volunteer hours."

When asked about Mark Steyn's right to express his opinions, Baird Lutelisp quotes an oft-used but watertight rejoinder - with a modern twist: "You can't text 'FIRE!' to all your friends in a crowded nightclub," he states solemnly. "Unless you add, 'JK - LOL!! ;-)'. This is Canada," Lutelisp continues passionately. "We have one set of hate speech laws for everyone, one health care system for everyone, one diverse and tolerant way of seeing the world. The only way we can preserve the diversity we so treasure is if students of every socioeconomic background have the same opportunity to shut down the speakers they deem too hateful for anyone to hear!"

Mr. Lutelisp plans to pursue his complaint with the Ontario Human Rights Commission and is confident that it will be resolved before the October 30 event date.