From our Killer Headlines files

And my adjective is meant as a sad and tragic irony. I read this article, but I didn't really need to, because the headline says it all.

Deputy Who Didn't Enter Parkland School Defends Himself 

Well, yes, that's rather self-evident, isn't it? He didn't go in because he needed to defend himself, not the kids and staff who died.

Protocol, orders, yadda yadda. Law enforcement is hard; heroism even harder. My nephew and brother are city police officers who have faced danger and threats and death and the whole nine yards. Serve and protect. May God have mercy on those who died, and those who have to live with grief and shame.
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You can't make this up

The same people who told us to "Let it all hang out" and "Everybody's doing it" in the 60s and 70s are now issuing "Hugging Guidelines" and forcing employees to spy and report on each other for "inappropriate" relationships, whatever that means. No more eye contact at the water cooler? Hester Prynne, call your office pillory.

(HT Dr JB Peterson on FB)
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From our Killer Headlines file

Where you don't have to click and read the story, because the headline is entertaining enough all by itself. Happy Monday.

Britney Spears stuck in tree during concert
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Killer headlines don't come along every day

So when they do, you have to post them. Not only are they funny, but they are also an efficient way to get the news, since they make actually reading the story entirely superfluous. Utah Paperboy Headbutted, Tackled and Trapped in Tree by Goat Named Voldemort.
Thanks to Miss P #5 who sent this to me.

Mrs. Beazly, it looks like you'll have to return that extra-large bathtub you ordered.

Cuz your provincial government just outlawed the hobby you were hoping would make you some spare cash. Jeez. They needed a province-wide law for this? What would we DO without gubmint to protect us?!
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I honestly don't know where to file this

Under which DOH category does this story belong? 

Killer Headlines?
Beyond Satire?
Too Sad?
Dear Lord Jesus Come and End the World Because We're Mostly Nuts?

We don't (yet) have that last category, but I do actually pray it as a prayer sometimes when I am overcome by the evil and foolishness in the world, and this story has both. Ye gods, talk about First World problems.

US woman convicted of buttock-injection death (BBC News, hence "tyres")

These types of convictions are rare - the number of fatalities from backstreet buttocks injections is still low. But more people are opting for cheap, yet unregulated procedures in their quest for a bigger behind.

It can lead to horrific consequences. Some victims have been left maimed and disfigured after they put their trust in fake doctors who injected them with all kinds of substances including Krazy Glue, tyre sealant and silicone.

[...]
Many people are too embarrassed to come forward when things go wrong - there's still a huge stigma when it comes to admitting you've had enhancement on your behind.

If you want a swollen behind, there are probably a lot of people out there who would give you a good kick in the pants for free.
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I'm sorry but

This just had to be included in our Killer Headlines file:

Bathtub photo lands coal activist in child-porn hot water

Who even knew there was such a thing as a "coal activist"? Anyway, the guy who wrote the article ended it with an unintentionally hilarious bit of irony (considering it's an Eco-website).

"Intimidation should not be a part of democracy." Cuz, like, environmental activists don't know anything about intimidation or anything like that.
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Or was that just a dream I had?

Surely one for the "Killer Headlines" file. So funny, you almost don't have to read the story:

"Corrupt Puppeteers Spell End to U.S. Funding for Pakistan's Sesame Street" 

And no, that's not some kind of code message regarding Obama's re-election campaign and his Chicago thug masters.
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From our Killer Headlines files

Vatican criticizes US nun's book on sexuality

the author, Sr. Margaret Farley

Heaven help us, you can't make this stuff up.

Farley said Monday she never intended the book to reflect current official Catholic teaching. Rather, she said, she wrote it to explore sexuality via various religious traditions, theological resources and human experience.

Because if there's anything you expect Catholic nuns to be doing on any given day, it's:

a) exploring sexuality "via... human experience" (whose?)
b) trying NOT to reflect Church teaching

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"When even casual sex requires a state welfare program, you're pretty much done for"

No one can say it like The Steyn. Miss Fluke goes to Washington, at the OCR.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The brave middle-age schoolgirl had the courage to stand up in public and demand that someone else pay for her sex life.

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From our Killer Headlines AND Beyond Satire files

California school district mulls fate of teacher believed to have appeared in porn video

"Mulls"?

"We're trying to determine if there's a nexus on what she does on her own time and what she does in the classroom," [School District Superintendent Jeff Chancer] said.

[...] On Tuesday, the district sent a letter to parents of students at all three of its junior high schools, asking that their children not search Internet sex sites for the teacher's image.

Good luck with that. Basic math:

Anything-goes Sex-Ed + Moral relativism + Kids more tech/internet savvy than their parents + adolescent hormones = Everyone in school has already seen the videos

No child left behind.

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From our "Killer Headlines" file

This one is a bit too literal. Sheesh, the things people do.

Sri Lankan man dies while attempting record for being buried alive

"The Kantale hospital said a post-mortem could not determine the cause of death"

Sorry, but I think it begins with "stu" and ends with "pidity"

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And scientists actually wonder sometimes

why people laugh at them. From our killer headlines file:
Scientists find huge caribou herd thought lost in Canada

How in blazes do you lose, actually lose an entire herd of caribou--even in Canada? Gary Larson, where are you when we need you?
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From our Killer Headlines file

Fake exorcist arrested for molesting trusting women

The sub-title is almost as good: "Confesses to 'inappropriate' touching in court but blames his actions on the devil"

Saudi Arabia’s religious police arrested an Egyptian man claiming to have exorcism and spiritual healing powers for molesting many women by telling them he can rid their bodies of the devil through their sexual organs.In court, he blamed the devil for his acts.

Instead of jail time, he'll probably receive some kind of government award, and get his own talk show. The mainstream media won't carry this story, cuz the perpetrator is not a Catholic priest. 

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Methinks DOH needs a new category

"Killer Headlines" which are so diverting, you don't even need to read the accompanying story.

Today on Yahoo News:
Nicolas Cage awoken by naked man with Fudgesicle

And who can forget:

*Chopper rescues Frenchwoman trapped in tree by wild pigs

Chopper rescues Frenchwoman trapped in tree by wild pigs

Wasn't that a dream I had recently?

I don't know why I'm posting the the link to this story. The headline says it all.