The Spam files

It's probably an indication that I don't get out enough, but I am so amused by email Spam. Today I got one from "Jose Lawless User Support." Really? You're trying to rip me off and the best name you can come up with is "Lawless"? Is this some sort of reverse psychology? Vizzini, I need your help.

Jose's subject heading was, "You have a private notification." Well, Jose, if it's "private," how did you find out about it? 

Once again, I give you James Veitch. As a writer (and would-be novelist, having dabbled in the medium, to varying degrees of completion), I find this video particularly hilarious. Happy Wednesday and last day of February.


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Hi, can I discuss with you?

That's all there was: no long sob story about being a Nigerian millionaire dying of cancer and YOU are my beneficiary, and could you send your bank account numbers--nothing like that. Not even a link to a website selling Viagra (WHY do they send such emails to "lady writer"--but I guess nowadays, you never know, do you!).

I was cleaning out my Spam folder today, and shockingly, it contained only one email. The subject heading was RE, and the entire body of the email was that one short request. The email address ended thus:  @ehess.fr (what's the fr? Not France, surely? But I guess there could be Nigerians living there too.)

Nope, none of that. Just "Hi, can I discuss with you?" It sounded so lonely and pathetic. I was almost tempted to reply. Almost.

But then again, I don't have the comedic genius of James Veitch.



Happy Friday, even if it is the first Friday in Lent.
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Who designed Amazon's search engine?

Possibly one of the Coen brothers. I entered "1930s dress" because I like vintage fashions. Like these:

This was one of the search results.

Dyslexia, much?

Was Christmas shopping for a certain man (who doesn't read this blog, so it's ok), and when I saw this, I thought, "DENIAL? Really??" (I didn't buy it, BTW). Memo to self: wear your reading glasses when you shop.  

Because laugh you must. There is no try.

Oh my. I haven't visited CakeWrecks for soooooo long. But it's as funny as ever. Her commentary is as good as the photos.

Decided to post something light-hearted, so that I don't get accused of being negative all the time. And besides, it's THE EASTER SEASON!!!
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I'd better copyright this

Before some overpaid professional-fundraiser church bureaucrat type guy decides to use the last sentence as a slogan for the next diocesan financial appeal.

Must. Have.

It will become my favourite coffee mug, and I will drink from it EVERY MORNING and meditate upon the message. I hope it's printed on both sides, so that Mr. P can see it too and follow instructions when the time comes (and it always does). Mrs. Beazly gets credit for discovering the image. Now all that remains is to find a Canadian gift shop that stocks the mugs, cuz Ann Taintor's site won't ship to Canada. (Frowny face!) 

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WWWAGD?

Which stands for "What Would Wallace and Gromit Do?" Mail Online (UK) asks: "Has the world gone crackers?" The answer is yes. (Elf 'n Safety strikes again!)

As Laura Rosen Cohen points out, this is probably why the cops took so long to get to Woolwich... they were busy shaking down cheese-wielding grannies. Ye gods. Western Civ. =  Officially Over.
BTW, does anyone find this cheese-chasing event hilarious? In Spain they run with the bulls. There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere; I just don't know what it is.
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"top Italian poet Dante"

This is extremely funny, and just what I needed today. In fact, this week. In fact, this month. Thank you, Mrs. Beazly, for bringing it to my attention. Other DOH readers (you know who you are, even if your memory is etched in never-ending puffy forgetfulness). I dare you to read it without laughing out loud at least five times. Michael Deacon, where have you been all my life?
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Can this be real?

From the Friday files. I challenge you to watch this without weeping (either with laughter or "Dear God, make it stop" civilizational despair). It's a fusion of the Anti-ABBA, Stark Trek, lyrics that would make The Onion writers blush, and Richard Simmons fitness video dance audition rejects. It makes the Trololo guy look like high art.

And it makes me think we should start a new category on DOH: It's Just Too Easy To Make Fun of the Seventies (IJTETMFOTS for short, not to be confused with the IKEA sofa of the same name).



I thought this had to be satire, but these people are real, and they had a show on Swedish TV in the 70s.  They are Armi and Danny.

h/t my teen nieces and daughters, who (like their aunt/mother) should spend less time online and more time reading Shakespeare
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I can see the NYT headline already.

"Dumb Old Housewife resurrected into heaven due to excitement over link to blog"

Thanks, Pundette!

Here's Steyn's take on the story. I think the writing's on the wall for you, New York Times. Which means, in the ancient terms of your "faith tradition", that  Keyboard Cat is about to play you off.
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Mr. Caldwell, Prognosticator

Actually, pun-nosticator. Here he is, on the much-touted St. Malachy's prophecy, being his usual fun and witty self: 

As you can clearly see, apart from getting the date, names and actual events wrong, Nostradamus called it perfectly.
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It’s not that I don’t believe in prophecy.  I do.  But most of us suck at it (President Romney, please call your Oval Office).

Theo concludes with the words of Jesus that "we know not the hour" and should just prepare, albeit in a sane and non-hysterical fashion, for the End Times anyway. And he asks us to pray for a wise man to be elected pope, which is just what a wise man would suggest. 
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Try to keep up

A recent Saturday evening conversation with my girls:

Mom: Let's watch a period drama.

Miss P #5: Which one?

Mom: Let's watch Sense and Sensibility.

Miss P #4: Which one?

Mom: The short one.

Miss P #3: The one with Snape and Bertie Wooster?

Kind, sociable and fluffy

Don't we all aspire to be described thus? This just in from Russia, with love: an email from "Olga," courtesy of my spam folder. I don't know why I find these so funny, but I do. I guess we have to take our simple pleaures where we can. It's quicker than reading a self-published novel. 

(I might sound unnecessarily sarcastic from time to time, but in a life, I more nice.) 

You have drawn my attention to a site of acquaintances. I hope, as I shall like you. How I to you in a photo? The truth - pretty? :) But in a life I more nice!!!And as I cheerful, kind, sociable and fluffy! I like to go in for sports, read books, to listen to music. I love winter and summer. I do not love spring and slush.If I have interested you, with pleasure I shall tell about myself more in the following letter.I wait for the answer on [link deleted]

From the publishers who brought you Blonde Anne of Green Gables

 CreateSpace presents its library of classic literature!

Now available wherever fine littrature is sold!
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My writing students, past and present, will be pleased.

And so will Miss Pinkerton #2, who is currently studying German in university. A short article about the implementation of the new universal language at the European Union. 

For those of you out there who are currently trying to teach children things like grammar, spelling and writing, relax. You may carry on as before. Parents will be placated to know that the rules will soon be for naught anyway.

h/t Mr. P's brother and his lovely wife, who emailed me the link. 

This one's for Mrs. Jones

Source: quickmeme.com via Cayden on Pinterest

For the men

Stolen shamelessly from a friend on Facebook.

The ongoing saga of Sears being totally useless

Wilton bakeware is on sale now at Sears.ca. I ordered some cute little pans for the kids to use in our toaster oven. Two cookie sheets, and an 8" pizza pan (see below). Now the top view may be deceiving, but the bottom view leaves no doubt: this is a PIZZA PAN. They sent me a 2-inch deep cake pan.

And no, I could NOT have made a mistake ordering it, because all I had to do was click "Add to Cart" on the pizza pan webpage; this was no complicated "Order From a Catalogue" thing that required manually punching in sixteen numbers and uppercase letters into a form. And besides which, there was not even a cake pan on sale, at least not on the page from which I ordered. It was simply a case of (yet again), Timpy the (poorly) trained Chimpanzee filling orders at Sears.

Like the time I ordered a Polly Pocket Splashin Fashion Pool Party doll set for Miss P #5's birthday...

Heh

Last Sunday, I saw The Hobbit (well, at least the first part of the movie trilogy, sheesh!), and as I said on Facebook, the awesomeness of this film can be summed up in just five words: Richard Armitage with a beard.

Tolkien would NOT approve... as if we care. 

But the mane reason (oops, Freudian slip)... I mean the main reason for posting was that after the movie was over, my daughter heard some kid up front commenting aloud. He was apparently unaware that there are more movies to follow and was unimpressed with the ending. 

"I am NOT buying the book!" he stated emphatically. 

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