Church bulletin bloopers

Via Matthew Archibold over at NCR. I've seen some of these before, but there are a few new ones too. 


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you .
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
” I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.






This all goes to show how important grammar and syntax are. I'll never forget this line from an obituary in my local paper:

I just know that Uncle Horace is in heaven right now, handing out peppermints to the angels, that he always carried in his pockets.

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Another gem

...to add to my must-read list. Simcha Fisher. Dare I say she's the female version of Mark Shea? But only in common sense, humour and writing with the mind of the church. Oh, and they both wear pants. (Thanks, Deborah Gyapong, for the blog post about her!)

Here's just a snippet:

Some Catholics think that pretty much any time a man sins against chastity, it’s a woman’s fault.  And so we have the ludicrous “pants are for harlots” argument.  We have women who think that dressing dowdily is a virtue.  We have men working themselves into a righteous froth over a woman in shorts, for instance, as if it’s her fault that he has a thing for legs.
Here’s the problem:  first, dressing with utter, lust-proof modesty is literally impossible.  There will always be some man somewhere who manages to lust, no matter what you’re wearing (just ask a hijab-wearing rape victim).
Second, an extreme “better safe than sorry” argument can lead to foolish and dangerous attitudes toward women. There is nothing pious about treating women like some kind of pestilent instrument of spiritual warfare, designed to infect innocent men with lustful thoughts by her mere presence.  At some point, the woman’s responsibility does end, and the man’s begins.  This point varies widely from culture to culture, age to age, region to region—and man to man.Women are designed by God to be attractive to men, because this attraction leads to all sorts of good things:  protective behavior, fidelity, hard work, and babies, not to mention happiness. Our goal isn’t to reject the notion that women are attractive to men, but to channel it in a way that benefits everyone.
So, yes, modest dress is an onus that is put mostly on women —just as self-control is an onus that is put mostly on men.  This difference is not because life is unfair or inherently sexist, but because men and women are made differently.  Men and women both have the responsibility to contribute to the decency of the world—in their own ways.  There’s no sense in pretending there is no difference between them.  Just as importantly, there is no sense in pretending the tension will disappear if either men or women just tried harder to be good. 

Flannery Quotation of the Day/Week/Month

“She would of been a good woman,” the Misfit said, “if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”

Short story: "A Good Man is Hard to Find"

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Oh no! Run for your lives! It's an epidemic!

I hope none of our readers accidentally touches any dirty doorknobs at McDonald's and catches the Cantwalk Virus! It's causing an obesity epidemic! It's an epidemic! An EPIDEMIC, I tell you!

Run for your lives! (Or at least push yourself away from the table a bit sooner.)

"Vichy's Wha...?"

Best Steyn column since all time masterpiece, "Decaffeinated"!
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High Flight

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .

Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 

— John Gillespie Magee, Jr
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As long as we're talking about abortion

This article by Steyn fits in with what Mrs. P. wrote about over at Mercatornet a few weeks ago.

Update: Hi there, PWPL readers! Thanks for dropping by. And thanks for the traffic, Andrea!

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Foresight

 Andrea Mrozek at PWPL posts about an article reflecting on the societal consequences of using the pill. I would have liked to leave a comment there, but a technical glitch prevented it.

In his 1968 encyclical, Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI accurately predicted what would come of using the pill:

Consequences of Artificial Methods

17. Responsible men can become more deeply convinced of the truth of the doctrine laid down by the Church on this issue if they reflect on the consequences of methods and plans for artificial birth control. Let them first consider how easily this course of action could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards. Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law. Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.

Finally, careful consideration should be given to the danger of this power passing into the hands of those public authorities who care little for the precepts of the moral law. Who will blame a government which in its attempt to resolve the problems affecting an entire country resorts to the same measures as are regarded as lawful by married people in the solution of a particular family difficulty? Who will prevent public authorities from favoring those contraceptive methods which they consider more effective? Should they regard this as necessary, they may even impose their use on everyone. It could well happen, therefore, that when people, either individually or in family or social life, experience the inherent difficulties of the divine law and are determined to avoid them, they may give into the hands of public authorities the power to intervene in the most personal and intimate responsibility of husband and wife.

Here's more.
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Just for fun

I'm at the age where I can admit I actually like ABBA, and also enjoy a good parody of them. This is just too funny. From French and Saunders, who nail everything right down to the last mannerism. (My favourite spot in the vid is about at 2:20, which goes to show that every once in a while I'm a sucker for juvenile humour).

Guilt and shame

David Warren discusses the Vancouver riot.
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You mean there was such a thing?

Sex Before the Sexual Revolution by Simon Szreter and Kate Fisher sounds like an interesting book.
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Just one more thing

Rest in peace, Columbo.
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It's all about tolerance and freedom.

And that's why everyone must march in lockstep in our parade. That is all.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Say it ain't so, Steve! Cars 2 is... a ... I have to whisper, because I can't believe it... a bad movie.

A bad Pixar movie. That's like typing "square circle" or "sturdy wood product".

Nothing gold can stay.

Cut away the dead wood, Pixar, whatever that might be. You are Pixar! Pull yourselves together! Go! Confront the problem! Fight! Win!

And hire me when you get back. I would enjoy working for you.
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Announcing the launch of a new category on DOH:

"SHUT UP!" they explained.

Good to know that Rogers employs some narrow-minded, anti-Catholic bigots who disapprove of peaceful expressions of religious belief. It makes me even more glad I cancelled their cable service last millennium.  I commend Mr. Goddard for stating what he believes, but I don't agree that an HRC should be involved, since those organizations are part of this very problem. Kind of like smoking more cigarettes in order to kill the tumor in your lung. However, it will certainly be interesting to watch the HRC dismiss this complaint at something near the speed of light.
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Life is short; listen to Flannery.

The author reads A Good Man is Hard to Find.
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Triple O!

Here's my favorite funny old ad.

I first saw it in a 1952 Colliers magazine. Advertising appears to have been a whole different ballgame back then. As my brother-in-law once observed, advertisers (incredibly) seemed confident that they could get people to buy their product through reasoning and persuasion. Hence the 500-word essay about a woman who had to pawn her wedding ring in order to support herself after she was widowed. (An ad for life insurance, of course.) This Ennds ad isn't quite as wordy as the dramatic life insurance re-enactment, but there's still plenty here to digest. Mr. B. and I couldn't help wondering about the guy in the picture - is this poor slob married to someone who is made this snarly by his morning breath? Is she the stenographer (this was the 50s, after all) who's suffered through ten thousand too many stinky dictations? Has the doctor in the lower picture recently cut the cheese, and is he surreptitiously watching the nurse to see if Ennds really masks the odor? Never mind the copy - there's a whole little drama in every picture.

It's also fun to see ads for products that never really caught on. Canned hamburgers, anyone?
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Have you ever heard of Andy Mynarski?

If you're tired of reading about "adults" who will not take full responsibility for their choices, even as they are supposedly apologizing for them, here is the story of a young man who made better choices in far worse circumstances. There were, and are, such men in this world.
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There is so little time to blog

When you spend hours a day looking after your yard.  Summer has finally arrived! (Note: some of these pics are from previous years, but since Mrs. B. recently expressed an interest in doing more horticulture-type stuff, I thought I would treat her to a few snaps from our flower garden.)

Every now and then

You need to post a funny old ad. And the most amusing part is, this really works on Mr. Pinkerton! And sometimes, I don't even need vitamins.

Gone Fishin' with Nat

What a relief that the federal government is taking the economy seriously

Mr. Pinkerton works for Agriculture and Agri-food Canada. Yes, the federal government. This year marks the 125th anniversary of Agriculture Canada, and so the research facility where my husband works was "requested" (ordered) by the Powers That Be at Ag.Can (in Ottawa) to make a point of marking the anniversary at their upcoming Field Day. The head of the local research station decided to brave the weeks of waiting and mounds of red tape, and put in a request for funding for a cake to celebrate with staff and the farmers who show up at this annual field day.

It was denied.

And a good thing too! Such a waste of taxpayer's dollars! Why, a slab cake like that (with icing, and maybe even fancy writing or a laser food coloring photo of the Ag Can logo) might cost up to $35 or $40! How can the federal government afford such a thing, when they have to pay the six-figure pensions of recently defeated MPs (like that raving Canadian patriot Gilles Duceppe), or fund rock bands who have pictures of feces (in the form of Jesus) on their CD cover, or arts funding to elderly women who dance in slow motion, or funding to member-free pro-choice and feminist groups, or funding to the vast bureaucracy of  human rights commissions out crusading to save us from discrimination that we can't see, hear or even detect with our psychic mind powers, or funding for.... well, you get the picture.

When it comes to Ag researchers and farmers, let them eat cake... as long as they pay for it themselves.
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Prayer for Priests

PRAYER FOR PRIESTS

O Jesus, Eternal Priest, keep your priests within the shelter of your sacred heart, where none may touch them.

Keep unstained their anointed hands, which daily touch your sacred body.

Keep unsullied their lips, daily purpled with your precious blood.

Keep pure and unearthly their hearts, sealed with the sublime mark of your priesthood.

Let your holy love surround them, and shield them from the world’s contagion.

Bless their labors with abundant fruit,

and may the souls to whom they minister be their joy and consolation here on earth,

and in heaven, their everlasting crown.

Mary, Mother of Priests, pray for priests and vocations to the priesthood.

– St. Therese of Lisieux

Borrowed from The Deacon's Bench, with thanks. 

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Blind fools

Hero worship is always always always a dangerous thing. A tragic and ultra-creepy turn in the (now formerly 'Father') John Corapi story.

Oops, did I say ultra-creepy? I meant super ultra mega-creepy. Mark Shea:

Whatever the merits of the charges against him, Dog has been planning to rebrand himself as "John Corapi (once called “father,” now "The Black Sheep Dog") since April 2010, long before he allegedly "learned" of the charges against him or any investigation began.

To cleanse your mind and soul, you will now read 1 Corinthians 3:4, and ponder the whole "I am for Paul; I am for Apollos" thing.

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Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?!?

Because someone has to look after them while their teachers are out campaigning for the McGuinty government.

Music Men

Dear Dad,

        Happy Father's Day! You're the reason I can sing repeat all the lyrics from "The Sound of Music", "The Music Man", and "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers". Thank you!
        Here's an interesting piece on a song from your favorite musical. I highly recommend that you take all the time you save by not reading our blog to go and read Steyn.

Love,
Mrs. B.
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"Amina often flirted with Brooks, neither of the men realizing the other was pretending to be a lesbian."

Not a combination of words one would expect to find in a coherent English sentence. It's also not a pitch for an edgy new sit-com coming out on the CBC this fall. But it is quoted within this Steynian gold:

On Sunday, Amina Arraf, the young vivacious Syrian lesbian activist whose inspiring blog "A Gay Girl In Damascus" had captured hearts around the world, was revealed to be, in humdrum reality, one Tom MacMaster, a 40-year-old college student from Georgia. The following day, Paula Brooks, the lesbian activist and founder of the website LezGetReal, was revealed to be one Bill Graber, a 58-year-old construction worker from Ohio. In their capacity as leading lesbians in the Sapphic blogosphere, "Miss Brooks" and "Miss Arraf" were colleagues. "Amina" had posted at LezGetReal before starting "A Gay Girl In Damascus." As one lesbian to another, they got along swimmingly.

The Washington Post reported: "Amina often flirted with Brooks, neither of the men realizing the other was pretending to be a lesbian."

Mrs. P simply can't resist weighing in. If not a CBC sit-com, surely a Hollywood chickflick about two middle aged guys pretending to be pretty young lesbians, carrying on a flirtatious relationship online until it all comes crashing down in ruin and despair. It could be titled  Brokeblog Mountain or You've Got Male.
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Little Lord Fauntleriot

We've all seen the damage now.

What a gentleman! Moron who comes prepared to pillage and burn still blanches at the idea of writing the f-word on his sign. If only the police had hurled expletives instead of rubber bullets, these thugs might have swooned like delicate Southern belles and retired to their boudoirs.
This columnist opined, "We haven't progressed since '94". I would say they haven't yet emerged  from the stone age.
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Wind up

The CBC places itself in the wheelhouse of the nation.

Have fun!
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Abolish Section 13

Kevin Libin's excellent op-ed piece in the National Post on the Calgary gathering of "human rights" racketeers. This line was rather disturbing:

Where “new realities” means rooting out new varieties of discrimination, even indiscernible types

Er, if it's "indiscernible" then how can it actually be classified as discrimination? No worries; the various HRCs will find a way. And you will pay for it.

H/t to Deborah Gyapong, with whom I heartily agree:

So Mr. Justice Minister Rob Nicholson, when can we see legislation to get rid of this open-ended and illiberal clause? What good is having a majority government if you do not use it to restore Canadian principles of civil rights and legal fair play?

 I also agree with Commentor "Socialism Kills", who says:

 I know some people in the "human rights industry". Without exception, they are the most narrow-minded, zealous, hateful people I have ever met. The sooner we can knee-cap this foolishness and get back to allowing the Courts to deal with human rights, the better.

Some things never get old

The joy of having daughters, featuring the Music Animation Machine

I suppose I could have titled my post "The joy of having musicians in your home," because boys can play the piano too. But I don't have any boys. Nor do I have a video of my 17-year-old daughter playing this piece, but she can, and no matter how often she does, I never, NEVER get tired of hearing it. So, for your listening pleasure, here is the Music Animation Machine version of Debussy's sublime "Clair de lune." This vid is so cool.

Sears: into everything imaginable, including fraud

This just blew me away. I received a letter in the mail from Sears Canada the other day, which was headed AGREEMENT OFFER and looked very much like a legitimate invoice. It read:

Thank you for the interest you have shown in our Sears Protection Agreement Program. During our recent conversation, you manifested the wish to receive detailed information on our products and the type of Protection Agreement coverage we can offer you. This information has been outlined for you below, including the cost for each item listed. If you are interested to give yourself peace of mind, please check the plan coverage you prefer, specify the method of payment and return the signed form.

The 'coverage' offered is insurance to extend the warranty on "EXERCISE EQUIP" worth $1000-$1499, at a cost of $108.94. I was instructed to detach the lower part of the form, sign it, date it, include my credit card number, and then I would have insurance (and "peace of mind"!) on my 'exercise equip' until June 3, 2013. Sounds great! However, there's just one teeny tiny problem:

- I had NO recent conversation with Sears (no phone call, no email, no letter, no personal contact with a sales rep.).

- I expressed NO interest (or for that matter, "manifested the wish") for information about product insurance or extended warranty. Since when does anyone in the business world use a phrase like that anyway? Maybe "manifested the wish" means the "conversation" was conducted using psychic mind powers. While both parties were asleep.

- (and here's the beeeyootiful part) I PURCHASED NO EXERCISE EQUIPMENT WORTH $1000-$1499 within the last year.

I phoned Sears Customer Service and (after getting transferred about five times) was told that it’s standard practice to phone customers when their product warranties are about to expire, and offer them extended insurance coverage. Fair enough. Further, she informed me, if and when customers do not answer their phones, it is standard practice for Sears to send out the form letter saying, “During our recent conversation…”

Heck, never mind that it’s a bold-faced lie!

Call me obtuse, but it’s not technically, legally or morally a “conversation” if one party doesn’t pick up the phone, and the other party doesn’t even leave a message on the answering machine. She said that Sears phoned me in late May, 2011, because the warranty on my exercise cycle (purchased last June) was about to expire. Except that I didn’t purchase one, and I told her so.

The fact is, I DID purchase some exercise equipment last year: a pair of weighted gloves. Worth $14.99. As far as I know, the gloves had no warranty, but if they did, I wouldn’t pay nearly $110 to extend it. I asked how the exercise bike got onto my records. She said it was “an error” and apologized.

Yah, sure.

I’m much more inclined to think it’s standard practice. I told her that what they are doing borders on fraud. I can only imagine how much money Sears has extorted from forgetful seniors by using this method. “Peace of mind,” for crying out loud? If that’s not deliberately calculated to bamboozle vulnerable elderly folk, I don’t know what is. Scumbags.

Greatest irony of all? Sears has a "Fraud Prevention" page on its website. I quote:
FRAUD: ARE YOU A TARGET? RECOGNIZE IT. REPORT IT. STOP IT.

They even provide a link to the Government of Canada Anti-Fraud Centre.

Heh.

Maybe I'll mosey on over and complain about Sears and their sketchy insurance racket. And maybe ask my brother the lawyer to send Sears a letter. I wonder how they might react to a threatened lawsuit for attempted fraud, lost productivity (I've already spent several hours of my life ranting to my husband and/or assorted relatives, phoning Sears, and writing this blog post) and --of course-- mental anguish (I'm sure being royally pissed off qualifies).

I will, of course, offer to settle out of court. For $110 or so. Because I'm interested to give myself peace of mind.


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Flannery Quotation of the Day/Week/Month

If I had sub-categories in my personal collection of Flannery quotations (beyond the current "Fiction" and "Non-fiction"), this one would have to go under "Quirky." It just tickled my funny bone. Garwrsh, I love her use of language.

“He was considerably irked by the hole in his head.”

"A Late Encounter with the Enemy (short story)
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The joy of having daughters... and Miss Vanderbilt

I had a really long day last Friday. Was gone all day from home with two of the girls who were performing Royal Conservatory piano exams in a town 50 miles away. Their exam times? 10:48 a.m. and 3:50 p.m. (At the cost of gas, I couldn't run back and forth twice in one day). So we had a whole day to kill in between, in a town with basically one nice store. The library was closed. We arrived home at supper time, tired, wilted, and hungry, and there were my three oldest girls, bustling in the kitchen. They'd prepared salad, crab-stuffed mushrooms, tiny shell pasta with white sauce (mixed with the leftover crab stuffing), salad, and for dessert, PIE (not one, but THREE different kinds: cherry, blueberry and rhubarb, which still counts, even though I don't like it). The pie crusts (which were lovely, and something I never could have achieved at that age) were either latticed or fluted and decorated with pastry cut-outs of eighth notes, in honour of the piano exams. I wish I'd taken photographs. (Mrs. Jones is going to scold me for not doing so.)

Will it atone to include the recipe?

Stuffed Mushrooms (Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cookbook)

1 pound mushrooms
4 Tbsp butter or margarine
1/4 cup finely cut onion
1/4 cup finely sliced celery
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp salt (or less, to taste--we found this was a bit much)
1/8 tsp pepper
Melted butter
1/4 cup grated processed American cheese (girls used cheddar)

Wash mushrooms. Drain. Remove stems. Chop or slice stems fine. Heat butter or margarine in large skillet. Add onion, celery, mushroom stems. Simmer until celery is tender. Stir in Worcestershire, salt, and pepper. Brush mushroom caps with melted butter. Fill caps with onion mixture. Start oven at moderate (350 degrees F). Arrange stuffed caps, stuffed side up, in greased shallow baking pan (or skip the grease and use parchment paper). Sprinkle caps with cheese. Bake 15 minutes or until cheese melts. Makes 4 or 5 servings.

Vary the stuffing: Substitute flaked, boned crab meat for celery. Mix crab with a little mayonnaise.

Merveilleux!
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Flannery Quotation of the Day/Week/Month

“Dudley had always been slow on his feet. It went that way with fat people.”

"The Geranium" (short story)
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Just in case you didn't have anything to pray about today

My Mercator post about the growing problem of child prostitution in the U.S. I expect this one will garner a few comments (there are 5 so far). Horrific. Lord have mercy.
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Flannery Quotation of the Day/Week/Month

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."

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Just Because

Is there ever NOT a good time for Chopin? The sublime second movement (Larghetto) of Piano Concerto No.2.
Stephen Hough, soloist.


Watch this one if you want to see the same piece played by 10-year-old Yoon A In (sound not as good. But WOW anyway.)
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Or lose you to a summer summer

As Mrs. P. mentioned below, the eldest Miss P. will soon celebrate her convocation. At the family party on the weekend of my high school graduation, when Mrs. P, Miss P. and I were all just a little younger, Miss P. treated us to a lively rendition of the following. (She was a great singer even then.)  I may not be the Wolfman Jack (more like the Slothwoman Janet) but this one goes out to you, Miss P. Congratulations and happy travels as you begin your career!

All on the Same Page

Hot dawg! Two delicious offerings from Steyn, on pols and pages whose urge for self-expression trumps all. As usual, he cuts through the baloney.

...or the weiner, as the case may be. Sorry, couldn't resist! (Mrs. P. here. This crazy site won't let me post comments under my "Google Account" username, or any other name for that matter. I don't know what's wrong, and I hardly need add, I have no idea how to fix it. But it's extremely frustrating.)

Repeat until true: This is not brainwashing, this is not brainwashing....

“If a parent asks for his or her child to be exempted for any discussions of LGBTQ family issues as a religious accommodation, this request cannot be made because it violates the Human Rights Policy,” the document reads.

Religious freedom, they write further, “is not absolute” and religious accommodation in the school board “is carried out in the larger context of the secular education system.”

Score one (billion) for home school, the place where you can teach your child to exercise charity toward all human beings because we are all made in God's image. Reference to or knowledge of how others use their genitals (mercifully) not required.
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OH NO!

Air Canada and Canada Post on strike at the same time? How will we ever cope?

Who will bring me the insurance policy of the guy one street over with the same house number? Who will offer me a choice of mid-afternoon departure times and then cancel them all and ram everyone onto the 6 a.m. flight? Who will lose my tax package for the next two years in a row? Who will bring me an in-flight "meal" which consists of a jar of cold, liquefied beef for my toddler, if I had one?
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The joy of the used book room at the library

It's where you find books like Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cookbook. And they cost you a dime.

She had me at "Squabs Alexandra," the first recipe upon which my eyes alighted when I randomly opened the book (page 223).

From the Introduction: "I believe that the ability to prepare and serve good and attractive meals is a delightful feminine virtue." And so do I, of course, or I would not have bought this book.

Mrs. Vanderbilt goes on to say: "Many people have said, since the publication of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette in 1952, that it should be followed by a complete cookbook. For, of course, I can cook."

Oh, to be able to say so with such confidence!

More:

"My children and I, despite my career, have a warm and loving relationship. This comes partly, I believe, because they know that their mother, when necessity arises--and it certainly does-- is able to run the household and feed them good meals under cheerful, happy circumstances no matter what happens. Children get a great feeling of security knowing just this: that despite her necessary and often greatly enjoyed outside activities, a mother considers her children's welfare first and is willing to contribute to it with her own domestic talents."

1961: when a cookbook was not just a cookbook, but a way of life. Come to think of it, cookbooks today still tell you how to live, but it has more to do with avoiding trans fats and saving the earth.

And yet more:

"In my school I learned not only haute cuisine, but all the arts of housekeeping, even to the pleating of nightgowns with a pleating iron. For us there were no shortcuts, no scouring powders (we used brickdust), no canned, dehydrated, or frozen foods. Perhaps because of this training, I was once able to make a perfect zabaglione on a kerosene stove by the light of an oil lamp in a Virginia cabin!"

It's going to be a great summer of reading.

P.S. Pleating of nightgowns?

P.P.S. Zabaglione?
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New Feature

Life has been busy. I'm sure both our readers have noticed that I haven't been around for a week or so. Not only have I been occupied with, and at times overwhelmed by, the usual stuff: year-end school testing, eldest child convocating WITH DISTINCTION from university (having never spent a day in school in her life), procrastinating on editorial deadlines, washing dishes, pulling weeds, attending utterly pointless meetings...

I have also been reading the complete stories of Flannery O'Connor.

I reckon I ain't many words to describe how all she's affectin me. But only t' say that if I was ever to grow up, I wisht I could write like that.

It's like living on the set of O Brother, Where Art Thou? and loving every minute, even if you're too obtuse to understand some of the stories. And regrettably, I am. It's like my brain has R-U-N-N-O-F-T.

But the new feature is this: Flannery Quotation of the (Day/Week/Month), whatever tickles my fancy.
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Memory

With spring has come another wave of basement cleaning. If the Collyer brothers got to heaven, I hope they are praying for me. I think about them almost every day. I went looking for something to read about them, too, but the Ottawa Public Library copies of Franz Lidz's Ghosty Men were - you guessed it - both listed as "lost". I wonder what compulsive hoarders' ceiling-high piles of junk they're sitting under right now? I bought my own copy. I even know where it is.

Today I was packing up games our kids have outgrown. Crazy Eights, Thomas the Tank Engine dominoes, Scrabble Junior, and Memory.

Many Memories have passed through our games cabinet. First there was the original, with generic pictures of everyday objects. Our eldest son would cry if someone else found the pair of trains. He always wanted to trade one of his pairs for them.

Then came the 'Bob the Builder' version. They didn't have so many characters "back in my day", as our newly minted teenager sometimes sagely remarks, and it could be quite a challenge to keep the 'Spud the Scarecrow Dancing' card from getting mixed up with 'Spud Walking' or 'Spud Using Heavy Machinery in a Life-Threatening Manner'. I'm sure other parents agree that a 'Bob Having an Accident with his Propane Torch' card would have solved the Spud dilemma once and for all.

After 'B the B' there was the 'Toy Story' version, which also had overly-similar, multiple poses of a couple of the characters. It's very humbling to be beaten at anything by a three year old. Equally challenging was the Tonka Memory game given to Son #2, who loved anything with wheels. There again, it could be difficult to tell a wrecker from a dump truck; Son 2 also turned up his cards like he was playing Texas Hold'em. That whole thing about everyone having to see what he had uncovered probably just seemed like bad strategy.

I have checked every Memory box, and every card is there. I have sealed them in Ziploc bags so the next little lover of trains, tractors, or Jesse the Yodelin' Cowgirl will not go without his or her favorite pair. Each Memory is packed and ready to go; each memory remains, sweetly intact.
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Harper's asking for your votes again.

But this time it's to decide what to name the family cat.

Mr. Harper, I suggest you name it "Birdseat". Then, whenever anyone in your household uses the phrase, "the cat, Birdseat," it will be a pleasant reminder to you of where you've been sitting since May 2nd.

Now you know how important a piece of news has to be to bring me out of retirement.

Mrs. P. chimes in. I have a name for the cat: Pitty Sing. Read this story to find out why. (Think of it as a metaphor, if not a cautionary tale, for those of us who voted conservative.)
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Remind me never to visit this place

... in the unlikely event that I ever travel to Hobart, Tasmania. It's the (privately owned) Museum of Old and New Art (MONA), and it sounds like a barrel of fun:

Featured on the opposite wall is a display of human ashes (into which anyone can have themselves incinerated and mixed if they so wish). The first painting is Le Grand Macabre – three dark threatening dancing figures, a welcome to the underworld. From then on, it is one relentless splattering of sex, death, decay and defecation relieved only by the usual atheistic assaults on anything hinting of the religious, contemplative or spiritual.

Among the highlights are paeans to defecation. Cloaca is a machine that simulates all functions of the human digestive system, including producing excrement. Locus Focus is a toilet with cleverly arranged mirrors for viewing everything that happens there. [...]

MONA is not so much an art museum as a tentative answer to the question: Where does art go, bereft of ideality? It tends towards what is left, the bare fact of materiality, brutal, ephemeral, uninhibited: art as solipsistic manipulation of whatever decays and rots and orgasms and screams and stinks and dies.

Atheism leads to death and nothingness, because atheism is death and nothingness. In artistic terms, by its own logic, an atheistic worldview will end up dispensing with any ideality in art and will simply proclaim an art of what remains – life as decay, depredation, animal chaos and death.

Article by Steven Jacks, MercatorNet.

I'm so glad that places like this exist, where you can learn about what Art really is and what it does, and even how to do it. Living Water College of the Arts (and located in the province right next door to me!)
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I am so adding this lady to our blogroll

Erin Manning at "And Sometimes Tea". How could you possibly resist posts with titles like this or  this? And she's a homeschool mom. And a member (nay, founder!) of the Coalition for Clarity. Because torture is instrinsically evil.
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The Internet may possibly be evil

We (western "civilization") have come to a sorry pass indeed when some people think phrases of this ilk constitute persuasive argument:

a) Shut up.
b) You're stupid.
c) F*** off.
d) Variations thereof.

Go to any website, any combox, and you will see this sort of thing. Anonymity makes it infinitely worse. It rather makes one despair for the state of the mind and soul of post-modern man. And it very nearly almost wants to make one give up blogging and/or writing, and instead spend time on activities that are infinitely more productive and God-glorifying, like reading a story to your child or perfecting the art of the pie crust.

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From our "All Cultures are Equal" Files

My post over at MercatorNet on India's disposable girls has sparked a bit of heated exchange in the combox. Maybe western feminists need to get their noses out of church hymnbooks (to change the language of course, not to worship God) and go start a women's lib movement in Asia. Oh, that's right, I forgot. They've already tried and succeeded (in one of the very few spheres that seems to interest them in other parts of the globe): universal access to abortion. Not working out so well, I'm afraid. If only there was a culture or a religion that promoted the intrinsic worth of life and human dignity! I agree with one commentor: please pray for India (and indeed any nation that routinely kills its unborn).
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The seniors triumph again

There is hope for me. A 59-year old lady (and mom of 8!) takes the "at-home" (consolation) prize in the Biggest Loser. I think I would find $100,000 fairly consoling too.

Will this finally deep-six Development and Peace?

One could only hope, but then, North American "Catholic" institutions are not exactly known for toeing the line when it comes to Vatican pronouncements. But it's a good story.

ROME, May 25, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - In an address to the General Assembly of Caritas International today, Cardinal Robert Sarah, who heads the Vatican dicastery dealing with the church’s charitable institutions, stressed that the main mission of all Church groups, charitable groups included, was to bring people to Christ.  “Today, dear Friends, the tragedy of modern mankind is not lacking clothing and housing. The most tragic hunger and the most terrible anguish is not lack of food,” he said. “It’s much more about the absence of God and the lack of true love, the love that was revealed to us on the Cross.”

Canadian Culture, with a Cherry on top

Only in Canada could Don Cherry be the subject of an academic study. (Surprise! Conclusion: he's bad for our nation. Your tax dollars at work!)

This is one of the funniest interviews I have yet seen (heard) on SUN. All hail Don Cherry! (I'm willing to bet that Mr. Cherry now holds the record for the number of times the phrase "left-wing pinkos" has been used in an interview on Canadian media--ie. greater than zero.)
Incidentally,  I wonder how many CBC execs regularly soil themselves in sheer unadulterated hatred and frustration at being unable to muzzle or fire this guy.

"...and I'm worried about some professor who never worked a day in his life...are you kidding me?"

DON CHERRY FOR PRIME MINISTER!!
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Out of LSD?

Don't have any hallucinogenic drugs on hand, but still want a surreal experience? Watch this Brian Lilley interview with Luam Kidane from immigrants' rights group "No One Is Illegal". I wish I could tell you what this group stands for, but I don't know because despite Brian's best efforts, he could not get a straight answer out of this person. It was unbelievable. She is destined for greatness (a job in high political office or some other big-salary government bureaucracy) because she is able to talk without actually saying anything. I really can't blame Brian for getting testy.
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Honesty is the best policy

“Recruiting children? You bet we are,” he said.
[...]
“I and a lot of other people want to indoctrinate, recruit, teach, and expose children to queer sexuality AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,” he wrote.

[...] While gay activists usually deny that they want to indoctrinate children, said Villarreal, “let’s face it—that’s a lie.” “We want educators to teach future generations of children to accept queer sexuality. In fact, our very future depends on it,” he wrote.

Hmmm... why does their future depend on it, if homosexuality is genetic/inherent and much more common than anyone wants to admit? (story via LSN)
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Big Brother is Watching You...eat your lunch

This is so creepy, I can't believe parents haven't (metaphorically) lynched the school board.  Check out this story (h/t Mark Steyn) about a Texas school that has hidden cameras to scan the nutrition content of children's lunches. I posted on this for MercatorNet.

The moral of the story is: No matter how pretty or plausible or scientific or even socially/morally acceptable (it's for the children! to stamp out childhood obesity!) the arguments might be, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever believe someone who says they are spying on you for your own good.
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Trying not to hyperventilate

I just found out who's speaking at the Catholic Family Life Conference this summer. Mrs. Beazly, you'd better sit down and repeat to yourself: "I have a MacBook Air, a dishwasher, and a husband who watches period drama with me, and Mrs. P doesn't," because I'm totally going to this conference, and (unless you plan to fly to Edmonton this summer) you're probably not. (But it would sure be great if you could!)
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Mrs. Beazly says:
"Your heart like a kick drum!"
(Do say hi to Mr. Shea for me.)

To the hard of hearing you shout

More Flannery.

 "The novelist with Christian concerns will find in modern life distortions which are repugnant to him, and his problem will be to make these appear as distortions to an audience which is used to seeing them as natural .... When you can assume that your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not, then you have to make your vision apparent by shock – to the hard of hearing you shout, and for the almost-blind you draw large and startling figures."

Bonus:  Walker Percy, a writer I should like to know better. I've read nothing of his besides The Moviegoer, and I liked that. I haven't read it in a couple of years - time for a repetition.

  What is a repetition? A repetition is the re-enactment of past experience toward the end of isolating the time segment which has lapsed in order that it, the lapsed time, can be savored of itself and without the usual adulteration of events that clog time like peanuts in brittle. Last week, for example, I experienced an accidental repetition. I picked up a German-language weekly in the library. In it I noticed an advertisement for Nivea Creme, showing a woman with a grainy face turned up to the sun. Then I remembered that twenty years ago I saw the same advertisement in a magazine on my father's desk, the same woman, the same grainy face, the same Nivea Creme. The events of the intervening twenty years were neutralized, the thirty million deaths, the countless torturings, uprootings and wanderings to and fro. Nothing of consequence could have happened because Nivea Creme was exactly as it was before. There remained only time itself, like a yard of smooth peanut brittle.

                                                                                                             from The Moviegoer

Fess up, Theo!

STATE BROADCASTER HANKERING AFTER SUN JOURNALIST...and not for his communication skills.

Someone at the CBC in Toronto has a crush on Theo Caldwell. Check out the DOH Sitemeter stats page for hits to this blog (it's linked to a lighthearted piece I wrote about Theo a few weeks ago).

Seems some gal at the CBC (or maybe this is a mancrush, who knows?) wants to know Theo’s marital status. Check out the “search words” (scroll down).

is theo caldwell married

So is he? Go ahead, Theo, tell us. We can take it. Disappoint all the young ladies out there (or the moms like me who would like to introduce you to our single and gorgeous daughters).
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Two of my fave media guys

Wow. This is really strange. I tried to edit this post (from last week) because there was something terribly wonky about the formatting of the labels. But instead of appearing on its correct date (May 11), it re-posted here. Sorry about that, DOH readers.

Coren and Caldwell (hey, I like the ring of that--maybe they would consider becoming a comedy team) discuss the story about the Quebec judge who is persecuting homeschoolers, for not having abused their children or broken any laws.

Only on SUN! (video by SDAMatt; h/t to BCF)
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The Case Against Tortuous Reasoning

Well, some promising stuff so far on the Sun TV website - their not ignoring the March for Life, for example. It's nice to encounter opinions there with which one can agree. This is not one of them.

The idea that using torture degrades us all and reduces individuals to something less than human, is one of those fallacies that pleases the vanity of those who cannot contemplate or justify its use.

I don't see how it is false to say that torture is degrading and dehumanizing. Isn't that why it is used - to break the person down to the point where he will reveal information? I also don't see where vanity enters into the assertion that we are sinful creatures, prone to seek revenge rather than justice, and that we cannot practice evil in pursuit of good.

Yet the British and others have maintained civilized and humane behaviour, without being morally corrupted by having used [torture].

The use of torture is the "moral corruption". Yet it is continually defended  within "the thing that used to be conservatism", in the words of Mr. Shea.

It gets better:

Suppose torturing his child is the only way to get him to reveal information that would save countless lives.
Is it acceptable to torture an innocent child?
That's something most people cannot contemplate, much less answer.

Hey, I can answer! NO. And I'm pretty sure most other civilized non-psychopaths can give that answer, too. Terrorists count human life as nothing - why would you want to be more like them? What are we defending from their barbarous attacks if we abandon truth?

Mrs. P chimes in: There is only one case for torture: the "basket" variety. In that you have to be one in order to justify or defend the practice.

Simply amazing

The world can once again put a face to the name Dallas Wiens. (Previous post here.)

God bless him and his caregivers on the road to recovery.

A mother in a million million

Out of tragedy comes a shining example of love, devotion and sacrifice.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mrs. Pinkerton's Excellent Riverdance Adventure

My girls surprised me earlier in the week with tickets to Riverdance for Mother's Day and I attended the matinee performance Saturday afternoon in Saskatoon. Suffice it to say that it received the DOH "VF" Seal of Approval (Very Fantastic). Having only two tickets, I could not decide which daughter to take; all seven of them wanted to attend it. In retrospect, I really wish we'd taken ALL of them to see it; they would have loved it.

But I took Mr. Pinkerton; that is to say, he did not object too vociferously. He too gave it an enthusiastic thumbs-up. In other words, he dozed off only twice. I know he watched and enjoyed some of it; he remarked later how long the legs of the female lead dancer were. We also went out for Greek ribs later, which sweetened the deal considerably and made the day a truly international event.

There must have been some other couples in our situation (wife coercing husband to attend cultural event): I noticed a 60-something farmer-type guy there, all gussied up in his jeans, plaid shirt, and large satellite-dish-like cowboy belt buckle. Didn't exactly look the type who likes Celtic music or dance. I hope he too enjoyed the lead dancer's long legs.

And there were kids there. Lots of kids. I love kids, and I even think they should come to cultural events. But the thing about Riverdance is, don't bring anyone under 4, especially if he's a boy. Consider that the cost of a ticket will buy quite a few hours of quality babysitting at the going rate, and you'll get to see the entire show.

Anyway, a good time was had by (almost) all. It was a very fantastic day. I would go see Riverdance again in a heartbeat, and take all the girls.
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From our bulging "Beyond Satire" files

Quebec judge orders Roman Catholic homeschooled children to attend public school; orders 3 and 5 year olds from same family into daycare for "socialization".

In her ruling, Judge Bernier called the mother’s teaching approach “outdated,” saying it emphasized repetition exercises and acquisition of knowledge rather than the Ministry’s preferred approach of teaching learning skills.

Translation: instead of memorizing the multiplication tables ("acquisition of knowledge"), learn how to use a calculator (skill).
LSN
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Just one more

The Anchoress comments on the Vatican blog meeting. This is an excerpt from remarks she was invited to deliver. (Brave lady! That's one speaking engagement I would not have taken on for the world).

In a sense the church is as wide and deep as the Internet, but wisely constrained by the boundaries of 2000 years of well-wrought reason, and the Truth of Christ, which overcomes all of our illusions and pretenses.

Understanding that, bloggers and social media entrepreneurs have a duty to avoid the sort of narrowness of thought that is endemic to the echo chamber; we are fortunate to have a pope who has proved himself, in his book-length interviews with Peter Seewald and elsewhere, to be willing to put any idea throughout the wringer of Catholic analysis, because he is confident that a thorough discussion, rooted on the truth of Christ, will always lead us to the ends of Catholic orthodoxy, and so Pope Benedict is fearless and open, and in Christ’s truth, we can afford to be, too!

[...] Let’s face it, when the ego is ignited and the passions are galloping, we all too easily ignore our own better angels, and sacrifice charity for the satisfaction of a what we consider to be a well-deserved jab at some poor misguided other.

[...] The church needs us, to assist in evangelization; she needs us to disseminate information and especially to correct information which can often become distorted in the press [...] The church needs us to be where the sheep are grazing, so that we may help them find the better pastures.


But you here in Rome, we need you, too — to keep reminding us that there is a wideness in God’s mercy; that conformity, if and when it comes, must always begin first from a place of freedom, because Christ freely died for us, and that faith wrought without freedom is worthless in the face of his gift, freely given. We need you to remind us that we are called, ultimately, to oneness, as Christ prayed that all may be one.

Amen!
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More on Catholic bloggers

And the Vatican meeting. From the Ironic Catholic:

 Elizabeth Scalia, in my opinion, brought down the house with her presentation on the spiritual battlefield of the heart that bloggers must push through, and how the dark side of blogging is seen in using the medium to feed your ego and convince yourself that your self-selected friends speak for the whole world and are the '"true" Catholics.

[...] A lot of good is done through blogging, and the potential is enormous. It is a medium with limits (brevity, speed of output, misreadings of written intentions), but with incredible strength as well (brevity!, outreach, worldwide engagement, access to information). I think we need to remember that hope and humility attract, and pride and hypocrisy drive people away—and away from more than your blog, away from the Church. Ultimately away from God.

Mea culpa!

How will you celebrate Mother's Day?

Flowers? Dinner out? Breast implants? My latest article (main page, woohoo!) at MercatorNet.
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Vatican friendly to bloggers

Who says the Church is behind the times? LSN

The officials recognized the role of the Catholic bloggers who have worked to defend the Church. Fr. Lombardi complimented the bloggers for their help, alluding to their role in clarifying Church teaching during the controversy over remarks made by Pope Benedict on condoms in the book, Light of the World. Lombardi thanked bloggers for offering quick clarification in the case.

For the bloggers present who focus on the Church, these interventions illustrated perhaps the most important message of the evening: that the institutional Church and the Catholic blogosphere are not, in fact, in an adversarial relationship. The Vatican said, in essence, let us figure out a way to work together because we are all on the same side.

Except for the times we're not on the same side (as in, when we believe we're defending the Church or the faith against some who might be employed by the church, but who are nevertheless contradicting, misrepresenting, or dissing her teaching...) The toughest part is trying to walk the fine line between that ubiquitous "lack of charity" and the legitimate use of satire in order to make a point or highlight falsehood. When to be meek and mild, and when to get out the whip and upset the money-changers in the temple?
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Who knew?

That people could be so passionate about cursive handwriting? My new post at Merc went up only yesterday and it's garnered 8 comments so far (frankly, I didn't expect any). And thank you, Mrs. Schmaltz (may she rest in peace). She taught me cursive in grade 2, and a fine job she did of it.
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An idea that's out to lunch

Mark Shea on The Miracle of Caring and Sharing.

It was upon just this point that I gave a thumbs down to  "Millions".  It had a promising start - a lonely little boy who sees and talks to the saints finds a suitcase full of money - but I just rolled my eyes when St. Peter began a rapturous explanation of how Jesus didn't really multiply the loaves and fishes -  he just inspired everyone there to get out their lunch boxes.

Yeah, St. Peter of all people can tell you - he was crucified upside down for someone who once managed to talk a bunch of people into having a picnic.
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For Flannery lovers everywhere.

A review of The Abbess of Andalusia.

Mrs. P chimes in: Dang, Mrs. B! You beat me to posting about this. Oh well, at least I can post a quotation from the review:

On writing itself, O’Connor was candid and amusing. For her, two daily hours spent at a manual typewriter felt like pushing a stone uphill with her nose. Regularly reading sentimental gobbledygook in Catholic magazines, or enduring interminable money-raising campaigns led by local bishops unconcerned about the more weighty spiritual realities ...did not help.

Mystery and Melody

"Put Your Dreams Away" was on a Sinatra cassette I had in high school, and I haven't heard the song since I wore that tape out more than 20 years ago. But as soon as I started reading Mr. Steyn's latest "Song of the Week" installment, the lyrics came into my head as though I'd heard the song yesterday. Memory is a mysterious and wonderful thing.

This installment of "Song of the Week" is wonderful, too.




"I'll Never Smile Again" is new to me. What a gem! I find that great songs, even the first time you hear them, have a way of making you feel you've known them all your life.



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And speaking of great songs

 I love the three Avett Brothers albums which now grace my collection. ("The Gleam", "The Second Gleam", "I and Love and You") Sometimes you buy an album and find you don't like anything but the song that made you want to buy it. Sometimes you like most of the songs but have to skip a couple each time you listen the album. Not so with the Avetts. These guys hit it out of the park on every single song on these three albums.  I can hardly wait to get the rest of their music.

Their talents don't stop at beautiful melodies and brilliant lyrics. Go here for a short article about Scott Avett's other talents and influences.

It's Election Day, Canada!

GO VOTE!
That is all.
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Mrs. Beazly adds...

Throw the bums out!
(No matter what party they belong to.)
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"Here comes baby, there goes the marriage"

Variation on a well-worn theme (or meme). And my response. Mercator Net. The comments so far are good too.
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Royal wedding

I hadn't planned to write anything about this, or even to watch it, but when my Merc editor asked if I might, I admit that royal fever got the best of me, if only temporarily (ironically, it was a PBS documentary --ie. an American program-- that made me finally determine to stay up and watch it live). It was the usual stuff: hype about dresses and silly hats (Princess Beatrice? Come on, this isn't Wonderland), and I felt as sad and cynical as anyone at seeing this long-time cohabiting couple do their church wedding. But there were some positives too. MercatorNet's Family Edge.

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Santo Subito!

 

"John Paul II is blessed!"

And so are we for having lived in his time.

Welcomed into the company of the Saints